July 27, 2025
What a way start the day except in the emptiness of love. Love that sweet sensation. Holler it from the rooftops, if you dare. There is nothing but disgrace and malice underneath the soft and gentle service. Can’t you see I love nobody else? To whom I am talking to doesn’t matter. I feel the pulsating beat beneath my feet and I just can’t keep still. Still I hope to make an impact on those who are able to read these words. Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do echo from my mouth as I realize the vast majority of my life has been spent picking up the pieces of a ruin. These are my stories.
How can a broken heart love again? How can I open up and face the danger and the delay of the day? How can I validate myself and feel confident enough?
My insecurities destroy me in every which way. The world is beneath me and I can feel the coming degredation and final depopulation of the world and I collapse into the gracious arms of a fleeting love. That’s all that seems to predate me. I feel that there is a cycle inside of me that was meant to repeat and all I can do is let it happen. I don’t want to.
Am I making the right choices? I know i am not because how could i end up at a random place on a Tuesday night with an exam the next day until 4 am, I fall out of car and almost die. I just don’t know what to do anymore. I feel the need to succeed. I feel it in my bones. I can do something to make this up, but what?
Probably start by not procrastinating a great deal and actually deal with my problems which would problem be smart. I live in a neon colored world. The night is my world. The tainted lights and the painted girls. Full of promise, but there are only lonely souls.
Lonely souls and pragmatic problems. That’s all that my life has been reduced to. All that the vast majority of this god forsaken planet has been reduced to. I am here on my soap box, yelling and screaming, hoping for change that I know will come. One day the sadness will end. I can feel it.
There is nothing you can do except save yourself and maybe one other person. All my life I’ve been looking for that special someone. Someone that I can look into their eyes and see that I am not so alone on this godforsaken planet. Please understand I love some parts of myself, but not all. I think that’s where people got me confused. There are great parts to myself. But, there is something missing. Something that I cannot see and I know other people can see it and I know they are clamoring to get in. I let people in so easliy and I don’t know if that is a fault of mine.
Let me tell you a story. A couple of weeks ago before the summer term began I went out with my friend to a local bar. Don’t know what I was looking for; it was just something to do. I noticed a guy next to us. Obviously very uncomfortable with the way this woman was talking to him and I decided to step in and ask what book he was reading. He was telling us all about it and I slowly just started making eye contact. We kept ordering drinks and I got really drunk to the point I don’t remember much. But, I remember coming to at the golf course. Falling over with him. Pointing at stars and really just getting to know the guy. It was beautiful. At the time I didn’t think it was, but I am pretty sure that had a crazy effect on him. I played him songs and danced around in the field. The only light there was, was the moonlight. That’s all that there needed to be. I don’t think we meant it to be a bender, but we got drunk. It was kind of crazy. I went back to his place and we picked up some stuff. We then went down to the river and rented a canoe. We floated along a river to an island and began swimming. It was really cathartic. I remember being so in tune with life it was energetic and pulsating. One of those moments where you truly feel alive. We came back to my place, on the bus, and put on some movies. I showed him: Midnight Cowboy, The Graduate, Paris, Texas, and Fallen Angels. He fell asleep during the last one, but I stayed up and watched it. I cried during the Super 8 scene of Paris, Texas and he wiped away my tears. I think about it alot. The next day, we were both super hungover. I didn’t eat at all until he left in the afternoon, but we kept watching Ugly Betty while he tried to sleep off his hangover. He told me: I hope you know that I am not leading you on.
I gave up on love a long time ago it seems.
The Apostate Angel
Apostate Angel 
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