I feel confused when I think of my past relationships. Am I being honest with myself or am I lying to myself? Is it true what they say that we are all lying to ourselves? How can we live in realtiy if these are what guide our principles? I don’t even know how to explain my own feelings so that someone else is able to get it. I should really start trying. I see vivid imagery that really does scare me, but it also fascinates me.
My dreams this morning were kind of freaky. I woke up around 5:30 and sighed. Another night where I didn’t get good enough sleep. I should start to jump out of bed once I wake up. That doesn’t happen often. Most of the time the warmth and comfort of that moment in the morning where possibilities lie ahead is all I am able to get.
I should really stop trying to procrastinate and try to fit into my daily life instead of running away. I feel that I have accomplished something today. But looking back, I have basically done nothing today except lie to myself. Why do I keep doing this to myself? I feel that I am not up to the task and the tasks always feel monumental, why can’t I work up the courage to be somebody different than the one that is always struggling and fighting for survival? I know I can be someone else. I just don’t know what to do. I feel this daze and haze that my mind is under and it freaks me out. I remember when things were clearer and how I could take a breath and feel instantly calm. I hate the person that I have become. Was I always destined to become like this?
My insecurities guide me in the modern. I feel the despair for my body, instantaneously, when I wake up. How should I translate this so that other people are going to get it. I feel the stench and the rot of my body coming to. The rot, the rot, the rot. Somebody else has to feel this way and I hope there is someone else out there that is able to feel like I do. I feel so alone all the time. Its like I am a world away from the world. Always wishing I could say what I want to say, but never having the courage or the audacity to.
I think that’s why I go out looking for love in all the wrong places and why people are attracted to me. They see me as this lost and playful thing that says all the things they want to say, but I have to be drunk. I can be someone different. Someone who has the courage to be able to fight against the status quo without being under the influence. I am caught in a vestibule of my own ruin. I rely on the kindness of others and maybe that’s why I feel so alone. I cannot continue like this. What’s a list of goals that I can create so that I can remind myself that maybe there is something better for people like me.
I am going to write out a list of goals so that I am able to continue living a life that I want.
The Apostate Angel
Apostate Angel 
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